Unable to cope with the incessant round of family drama, breakdown, ugly politics & abandonment (on both sides), with a husband who was a nursing student & three small children to care for, my health soon collapsed & broke. Chaos prevailed through all those years, yet somehow, we held on to our love & our home & our lives. Every time we made a step forward, soon enough, something dreadful would happen & we would slide back down the snake to the bottom, bruised, crushed & wounded. (Even the Church we attended completely broke down & disintegrated!) It was out of this desperate, endless struggle that I was to become an ardent seeker of both truth & beauty.
People often thought me too intense or even self righteous but when you are living without hope you become dedicated to finding a way through the morass, whatever it takes, for fear of never seeing the light again. Over time I discovered that I have a sensitivity, insight & intuition that others don't understand, but is in fact, a truly precious gift.
When my friend Cheryl gave me a card year's end of 2009 "An angel in My Garden" a tiny fertile seed of hope was sown, that would in turn, lead me in to blogging & the community of caring, inspiring, friendly bloggers. It was at the moment that life began to finally change for me. Sunlight began to stream through my window from time to time. Two years ago, on the cusp of menopause, my health failed very badly once again, but this time the resources were there to be mined, discovered, revealed. Slowly, slowly beauty, truth & kindness, a very good homeopath, New Zealand Flower Essences, cultured & healing foods, a faithful husband willing to change & grow, have all carried us to a place, where we can truly say, that for the first time in 25 years we have had a good year!
A gentle miracle.
So here we are, once again, year ending.
We stand with grace & gratitude...& intention.
And, my intention: to bloom in 2014.
~ the flower of a plant.~flowers collectively: the bloom of the cherry tree.
~state of having the buds opened: The gardens are all in bloom.
~flourishing, healthy condition; the time or period of greatest beauty, artistry, etc.: the bloom of youth; the bloom of Romanticism.~glow or flush on the cheek indicative of youth and health: a serious illness that destroyed her bloom.
Synonyms: blossom, florescence, floruit, flower, flush, heyday, high noon, prime, salad days, springtime.
This concept of One Word has surfaced in various places, of recent times, but I really like Alece's invitation over at One Word 365. She says:
"Your word can be anything you want. All that matters is that it has personal meaning for you. It can be something tangible or intangible. It can be a thought, a feeling, an action, a character trait. Your word will stand as a reminder, a nudge. Something you can reflect on, that will challenge you, inspire you. A touchstone you can return to time and time again to help you stay the course this year…"
You can pop in here to read more if you're interested. You'll find a button to a list of inspiring words at the bottom of that page or you can go here to find a fabulous 365 list of words to use as journal prompts. They'll be just great for intentions too!
If you're looking for me I'll be with the pond fairies just now..
For me to bloom through this coming year will be a challenge that I will face as every day unfolds; as I continue to live & sleep with depression. It is an enormous task to attempt to process & shed the grief & loss of nearly 50 years of breaking down...losing "family" (& family members) over & over again; the loss of wellbeing & belonging is a stinging & harsh grief that follows me wherever I go.
However, my intention, the word that will also be my companion through the days of 2014 is
BLOOMThank you dears for being the ones that brought hope to my door.
Thank you for your visits & friendship, for being participators of grace & for endlessly inspiration & kindness.
I am so grateful!
I wish you all a wonderful, satisfying & adventurous New Year (almost there!)