Weaving a Nest

I have long been fascinated by the idea that we perhaps, have 12 senses, rather than just the 5 that we are all so familiar with. It was Rudolph Steiner that first proposed this intriguing concept. I just love this post here at Fairy Dust Teaching that explains it all so beautifully. Having been raised in very conventional ways, myself- this news is thrilling to me. Suddenly, everything makes so much more sense, now that the missing bits have been delivered. It's like only ever having a set of five primary coloured crayons, kept in a very skinny pencil case, with which to colour in the world- so limiting. And then, quite suddenly, being presented with a complete rainbow box of delicious pastels to work with- everything changes.
I really like this homeschooling diagram as it puts the development of the 12 senses through childhood in to very helpful perspective.

And this is why I believe that a "good" childhood is so vital, a child's well-being is woven strand by strand with fine threads & teeny stitches in to a belief & value system that will travel with her the rest of her life. It may seem a very strange metaphor, but this belief system is much like a healthy pelvic floor- elastic & supportive & beautifully constructed to hold all the vital organs of creativity in place- effortlessly. The fabric of childhood values, is in fact, not crafted by the child, but woven by others around her. She may offer small snippets to be added in to the creation, but she is not the architect, nor is she in charge of the project. Some of the materials used are imperceptibly passed on by other generations, others are absorbed in to the fabric simply through the close & seamless bond with mothers & caregivers, as for some long time the little one does not see herself as separate from the mother, but as one & the same. Which is why I inadvertently absorbed so much of my mother's self hatred & melancholy. As a child you have no idea what is normal or healthy, or if it is not, it's just your life. Some of us are offered beautiful life blankets woven with love, richness & great skill, that we carry with us in to the adult world gratefully. Others are offered blankets of discordant colours & materials that may be scratchy & itchy & cause us no end of trouble & discomfort & do not serve us well. It is a very difficult thing to find yourself with a dumb life blanket. And the truth is, we are not at liberty to just throw the thing away, it's ours whether we like it or not & we must figure out for ourselves how we will re-craft the offering, in to a support that will more graciously sustain us. This work may mean a life time of unpicking.
I have come to observe that many people receive perfectly fine life blankets, others have a good bit of work making do & mending theirs, and then there are the others- the scapegoats & black sheep who have to face the truth that what they have been offered will harm, kill or disable them if they don't deconstruct the blanket almost entirely. The reason that we are not at liberty to simply burn the offensive thing is that by now it has also become part of our emotional & physical body.
I have become very aware of a troubling phenomena of recent times, as I observe many people around me suffering- really, really struggling with unsolvable, incurable health issues. And in every case I note that the life blanket given to them in childhood is a toxic/scratchy one. I  have struggled for the last 30 years with a lack of vitality & an inability to resolve health issues & become fully well myself, no matter what I have done to try & help myself, until now...now that I have fully separated myself from a father who intends me nothing but ill-will & has done so for over 40 years. You see, it never stops in childhood- the toxic thing, it goes on & on- sticking to your life life like dog poo on the bottom of your shoe. You cannot just simply, pull your socks up & get over such things.
Those who are so damaged that they have nothing to offer their offspring other than life blankets embedded with utterly inappropriate poison apples, are to be pitied.
Their legacy to their victims is a perpetual & gnawing sense of un-belonging & abandonment that follows us in to every nook & cranny of life, never allowing us rest. As a consequence we end up in a state of heightened anxiety & nervousness, struggling to trust others & the goodness in life- we long for even a little of the happiness & sunshine that others seem to so readily gather around themselves. Once activated by the life threat, we come to discover that the panic switch is set to always on & alert, & our rest & restore function is rendered faulty or broken.
So, how do these parentally disordered human beings come to be this way?
I cannot tell you.
All I do know is- that when you reach old age you have a lived your life daily, thirty thousand times over, making one choice, one response of love or contempt, kindness or selfishness- one decision at a time. How we came to have three such people within our family life, I also cannot tell you.
It has been a long 30 years of suffering the consequences, but we have done the work, we have used the tools that we have managed to dig up or find for ourselves & we have methodically bent our heads & worn down our fingers as we unpicked the corrupted & ugly threads & we have rewoven them with feathers & usnea & sheep's wool & joy. Snip, snip pull. Warp, snip, pull, discard, weft. Snip, snip pull, discard. Warp & weft.
It's not enough to proclaim "tell me if I ever start to behave like that!" the ink is indelible- the threads must be cut & pulled.
At various times through the years we have looked up from the work- to rub our aching necks & pause to consider what home means to us, what love means to us, what feeling safe means to us & what would healing from it all really look like.
Well it looks like this: photo credit: Linda Hallinan

 A work of art & perfection. Cleverly, beautifully crafted, little by little until the very best nest is formed. And it always fits the family, the person it is made for- just right.
I love too, the way that my beloved Wild Carrot (Queen Anne's Lace) mimics the nest- flowers giving way to seed & closing in on themselves to form a beautiful, natural womb of protection for the mature seed of her making. One of the golden threads of nature is the miraculous- humans don't always know that they can be part of the same lovely plan.

When we came across that lovely Danish concept of Hygge- making life cosy & warm, we were so delighted & we set about infusing our lives with as much Hygge as we could muster. Recently we came to see that the fundamental thing that must be in place before Hygge makes any difference at all, is the state of The Nest. We each get to craft our own nest through our adult years, but we will only do a fine job of this creation if we have truly assessed & dealt to the state of the life blanket we we've been given so long before.
The first of the 12 senses is The Sense of Life, or The Sense of Wellbeing.
Fairy Dust Teaching suggests that one of the fundamental things that children long for is a rhythmic life-
"And it is the rhythms that hold life- rising and setting of the sun, seven days a week, the cycle of the moon, the twelve months in a year- that we build our rhythms upon. Children require rhythm and actually long for it!! The more rythmical the life of a child, the healthier that child."

Here in this home we return again and again, as beloved children to the basic threads, materials for building a cosy nest- the scents & the beauty of seasonal flowers growing in our garden.

 The wonder of lettuce going to seed.

 The gratitude for the delicious Red Shiso that volunteers each summer in cracks all about the garden.

 The medicinal plants like yarrow...& the visitation of bees.

Seeing once again the wonder of the process of metamorphosis right before our eyes.

 Knowing, always knowing that Lucy is just there, keeping company with the hydrangea Bloody Marvellous. Lucy feels like home- always.

 Eating a rainbow from the garden- because there's nourishing magic in such food.

 Standing in awe before an echinacea flower- such astonishing form.

 Gathering so much glorious summer produce from our little community garden down the road, then sharing it with others.

Harvesting Kawakawa fruits from the school down the road & eating breakfast with joy.

 Gathering wild flowers for their colour explosion. Wow!

 Picnicking by the river at Sacred Hill in the heat of summer, having taken the time to prepare delicious food for our dinner.

Marvelling at the setting sunlight through double Thalictrim blossoms.

 Holding the nourishing gift of red clover blossoms- also offerings from the summer garden.

 Bothering to peel the mountain pawpaws & making Nan's old Fruit Delight dessert recipe with them.

 Taking the time to carefully collect one of every begonia blooming in pots. Their petals are tangy & lemony & so much fun in salads.

 Sitting a sunflower head on a wee seat- like an important visitor.

 Reading snippets of fabulous books like Apples for Jam to each other, warms our hearts & makes us feel loved.

Memories-
"There's children's laughter escaping through the iron gates & past the oleander, and the daffodils, sprinkling on the just-cut lawns that line the road and fluttering up to me through my open window, falling over my shoulder's like fairy glitter. And that atmosphere of sleeping head to tail in trains and on holiday, and knocking on walls to see if others are still awake". Tessa Kiros

 Staying to watch the moon come up even though it's long past tea time & then running to the car 'cos we're freezing.

 These are the threads of life that we now weave- rhythmically, daily, joyfully.
Vintage French enamel bucket- op shop find.

Because all that really matters are the moments- knowing that you are loved, will always be loved & you are truly, fully awake & alive.

The moments...

"Observing freedom" 

 Captured in a split second by David (son). Click photo to enlarge
 Life. Gift to see.

Moulin Rouge sunflower in Matthew's amazing, productive garden.
Photo- Matthew (son).
Life. Gift to see.

Also snapped in a moment of time. Setting sun. Effects- produced by Australian wild fires.

Photo- mother. Life. Gift to see.

Photo- father. Me age 59. Life. Gift to see.

When The Nest is woven with threads of love, kindness, care & acceptance...warmth naturally comes to fill it & grace abides.

Life

All is well.

On a Mission to Home

Now let me tell you a giddy wee story of home....
The essence and heart of Sunshine Vintage began almost three years ago in a most unexpected way- with a celebration...a birthday afternoon tea in our garden for Pat who had lived in our house some 60 years ago with her grandparents. The event was a delight for us all, a friendship forged that has proven to be a blessing beyond anything any of us could have imagined.

(There's Pat in red)

So surprised & delighted was Pat by her birthday tea party & the opportunity to view the old house that still held a special place in her heart, she sent us a gift voucher for The Mission restaurant in gratitude. Time went by & we had safely saved the gift for a special occasion, when it just so happened that our Matthew & his lovely Sarah returned to Hawke's Bay & came to stay with us awhile. The romance was sparkling but the means were limited so we decided to gift our voucher to the two lovebirds &....off they went on their first "real" date.

The following January they were married!

We let Pat know what we'd done & just how perfect it all was & of course, how grateful we all were for her kindness. But my goodness what did she do...gave us yet another voucher insisting that this time we use it for ourselves. So one steamy night last January we headed off to The Mission for my birthday

Dining out is not something that we do very often so it was a very special treat.

It may sound a little odd but we studied the menu carefully before we went

& we were so pleased that we did

as it enabled to make the very best choices.
 What utterly delectable food.
We savoured every bite.

A romantically memorable evening.

In the middle of a mission of building "home".

So lovely!

You may be getting a little dizzy in my story about now but such is the warp & weft of building connection & memories; as history unfolds in both the predictable & in surprising ways.
Matthew & Sarah organised their own wedding down in Kumeroa where they were house sitting at the time. Yet another remarkable encounter had lead to an idyllic setting for a small & perfectly formed wedding. Before they left we visited with them for a few days.

Such lovely country side.

Eventually it came time to leave the grand old house & move along.

 They soon found themselves up the Coromandel way at Prana Retreat Opoutere 

where Matthew has been running a commercial kitchen & they have catered for large crowds at various music festival events, including this last New Year.

Prana Festival is... from White Light Media on Vimeo.

It's hard to believe that a whole year has gone by since that sweet wedding.

And such a happy day.

An impromptu duet a little later...

And so the thread of connection is once again tucked back in here at 625N Nelson Street.

A humble bungalow, but one that has gifted many with warm & lasting memories of what is truly home. 

It's that time again & our dear friend Pat has popped in once more bearing kind Christmas offerings. 

Old-fashioned bumble bees have been shared amongst us & we have told the story once more to our other son & his friends as they tasted the sweet treats of connection. 

Happy birthday dear Pat.
We'll do our best to take care of the old place.

Comfort and Joy

Welcome and hello!
Happy New Year dear friends and visitors.
I have to say there's a certain kind of grand satisfaction in becoming a sassy menopausal woman.
I have been following my own rhythms of the season, saying no to that which is un-necessary or unappealing & since we are having a rather gentle coolish summer just presently, happily catching up on lots of my Hedge Fairy work right here in our secret garden...

There is so much to pay attention to, harvest at just the right moment, dry, sieve, label & store so that I can lay my hands on it all again when it comes time to sell or sow this year's round of seeds & plants & bulbs & corms. I am very found of this graceful wild flower-pink Canon Went linaria.

And I am thrilled with this little blue woodruff. And yes, dear Betty many seeds can be happily posted overseas. These were originally sent to me form Canada.

We have had so many lovely visitor ensembles come to tea in Lucy over the last few months.

Who would have thought when she first came all that way that she would become so much more than just a vintage caravan. I never dreamed that she would also become friend to many, healer, salve & sanctuary & bring us all so much joy!

Golly, there were 6 visitors this day, so we thought we'd better make "boy" seats & space outside, but as it was the two young girls just spent their time exploring all around the garden. Catherine's parents were out from England & her mum loved our garden as she is a guide at Kew Gardens. We sent her on her way with various seeds.

It works so well for visitor's to bring their own food with them...

although on this occasion two lovely ladies had come for a secret garden visit & just happened to stay for tea.

I have found a third pink enamel teapot. They work so well with roses & alstroemeria.

It's so nice to be able to create simple seasonal vignette's in Lucy. Our raspberries were so delicious too.

I found an idea much like this on Pinterest...

but haven't had the opportunity to use the concept just yet. Needs more than just the two of us to fill it up.

We've had a visit from a fairy princess where upon there was a fairy the party shared with Uncle Rob when he arrived home from work one afternoon.

Lilies are magnificent especially this double one & fill the air with their heady scent...where ever they are placed. Close Lucy up & in the morning she is drenched in loveliness.

I've been on the look out for Jesus for ages & ages. I found him one day along with his mum & dad in St Vinny's window but the lady from the Little Red Book shop had beaten me to it & nabbed them all, so I had to be content to visit them in her shop in town. But finally I found him at the market in Napier sitting on the end of the stall with all kinds of um-er-well junk. He's a little too perfect for my liking...needs to be a bit mussed up, perhaps. The elderly lady whose care he was released from evidently dusted & fussed over him a good deal, during his stay with her; same cannot be said for his mother...the stall owner's told me she was in a very batteredly, poorly way.

I am amazed that there is always more to learn; things that you never ever knew about before.
I didn't know about Linden trees until this Christmas. I had just been reading about harvesting Linden flowers from Susun Weed & how they are so fragrant & nourishing & anti-inflammatory & I had observed what the flowers looked like & so set about finding a tree. One day I was buying some organic veges from Clyde at the Farmer's Market when I looked up & saw an enormous linden tree in full flower right behind him. Clyde I cried...it's a Linden tree!! Yes..said he, rather nonchalantly, the streets of Berlin a lined with them. I soon returned one sunny afternoon to fill a little basket full.

But oh silly me...Linden trees are everywhere! I've walked past them in our own Cornwall Park a thousand times but never identified them. In the language of flowers Linden flowers represent peace, truth & justice....perfect that they are all flowering right on Christmas here in New Zealand! The dried flowers make a lovely gentle tea that is calming, may help with sleep issues & overcoming colds... they are also anti-inflammatory. Linden trees are now my dear friends & so is the Melia tree in the middle of our back lawn.

  I came across a nice looking recipe for raw strawberry macaroons last week & had a go & making them. They are delicious & so summery. You can find the recipe here.

As I mentioned a while back I have been doing some deep, necessary healing emotional work. It is the kind of work that rises unbidden & cannot be rushed. This is the peculiar nature of my life journey....light & dark, joy & struggle. Joy has been a fitting word for this passed year's journey...all the places of joy have made themselves fully known to me. There are so many joy-germs in my life & I am so grateful. They're rather obvious really. I'm sure that you can see them too.
The darkness, well that's another story...really, truly another story because the imprint & the impact  of the darkness happened to a small, innocent, sweet child a long time ago. I did not chose that story, nor did I have any hand in writing it....yet it has shaped my life profoundly; left an indelible mark like acid on skin. When I was five years old I came home from school with my father at lunch time, to find my mother had attempted to take her life. Panic, phone calls, ambulance, blur.....my mother was taken away & I never saw her again....for a very long time. My father told me what I needed to know, that she was in the special part of the hospital & that children weren't allowed to visit, that she was very sick & eventually, that she would never be coming home. I felt sorry for my mother but I didn't grieve her departure. There was much going on that lead to all this....she was to go on to make another three suicide attempts, the last when she was 7 months pregnant with another child.
Through all these years no one talked to me about my losses or how these events made me feel. No one was there to share the sadness with me or help me make sense of the mess the adults had made.
I carried the weight of the secret on my little heart for always. I carried it for the adults because they were so busy fussing about themselves.
Then 50 years later, quite unexpectedly, I discovered that my mother doesn't believe or accept that any of this (suicide stuff) transpired. No, she is not fragile & broken.
 Now...the emotions finally crashed in on me.
I am telling this here because I am also choosing to take back my own life...to find comfort in my joy life & all that I have that is so truly good. No longer will I carry the dark secrets that should have been shouldered by those who were entrusted with my well-being.
I have found comfort in SARK's illuminating words (from her book Bodacious Book of Succulence)...in our family you were not allowed to have your emotions in front of others without being shamed or ridiculed. I wasn't "allowed" any emotions at all, nor opinions. Certainly not unpleasant ones!

I have connected with my anger...so much rage!!!, in all of it's disguises.

This year I intend to live like I matter.

I am going to gather comfort, joy & nurture around me & wear them where-ever I go.

I am going to look for the sun shining through every prism of life & rest in being me.

(I found this chandelier in a secondhand shop for $35 a few weeks ago...I could hardly believe it!)

I am going to act like I am as valuable as these wee boys.

 And believe that I deserve tender care & protection & love too!

Look out...I am not just a menopausal woman 

I am a big cup of wonderful, covered in awesome sauce, with a splash of sassy & a dash of crazy!

Happy New Year dear friends!! 

Thank you for your visit & your kind thoughts.