Breath

Through this autumn of 2020 I've been thinking a good deal about breath.

To breathe is to live.

As we all journey through this peculiar time in world history, here in relative isolation, I've been living my life in simple, daily ways and noticing my breath, my lungs- how they feel, where they are in my body and what limits my capacity to breathe. I am also noticing what it is that causes me to breathe deeply, to relax, centre and feel alive. I first began to notice the impact of fear and anxiety on my ability to breathe easily, just before the "Lock Down" here, almost 3 weeks ago, when Rob's mother sent him an email that we had no idea was coming- it's been three years since they last spoke and with this unexpected correspondence came a wave of deeply dark energy and trouble. The following day Rob hurt his knee with a piece of wood while building, (and he'd been doing just fine on the safety front until then)

which created an injury to the bursa, that then developed in to cellulitis and caused a huge amount of subsequent trauma and worry. This pattern of cause and effect has been repeated hundreds of times through the last 26 years. When it first began it was through letters being sent. Crazy behaviour and angst would inevitably erupt in our household and other consequences- troubles: burst pipes, complaints at Rob's work, our children having wild meltdowns, terrible arguments between us and various forms of accidents and sickness. Nothing I did ever stopped this dreadful process from happening again and again. We'd pick ourselves up, just get our dignity back and mend the broken pieces when wham it would strike in yet another form. I eventually took to pegging the various letters and other posted items in trees in the garden until Rob came home from work, as I didn't want to bring them in to the house. Many times we burnt them, some are still at the lawyers office for "safe keeping"- out of our domain. The thing that I noticed this time around, was the impact of this dark energy on my breath. When the autonomic nervous system (fight/flight/freeze) is triggered due to a perceived threat, the breath shortens and becomes constrained and the natural easy rhythm is misplaced.

One of the consequences of these visitations is a form of mis-communication and dislocation between us (which is why I knew something was very wrong before the email came through) and it was a wee while down the track before I realised that Rob was in trouble with his knee injury. It felt like the whole world was against us and it felt very, very scary. A water pipe in our front garden then burst. I felt incredibly panicky and anxious through these days, while also wandering in and out of rage-a huge anger that this woman would continue to bring so much trouble into our lives. And my breath told me the story- shortened uneasy breath and heart palpitations.
How can this possibly be- well may you ask!! A woman who loves Jesus above all else, yet can activate so much harm in the life of the son that she professes to love so well. Every day praying- prayers becoming bad medicine. "Blessings" sent that morph in to curses. My lungs hurt- life diminished to survival. But I..AM..WOMAN here me roar!! (huge breath)- how dare you!! This life of ours is not yours to take. This marriage is sacred before God! And so I set about gathering my medicines and herbs that I have spent the last year preparing and I made poultices for the infected leg & others for the damaged knee and I made nourishing food and herbal infusions and I brought out my tinctures and I read some more of what I needed to do.

 And so with a doctors visit (for work and to be safe and yes, an antibiotic) we applied what we had and little by little we healed....the leg, the knee and our lives.
While Rob rested, I walked to the trees..my friends. And I found strength and I found solace and I gathered up my courage. That first day- heart beating strangely, breath all over the place, anxiety  extreme (beyond normal- I'm a resourceful person) and as I walked across the paddock under the watchful eye of the grand old trees in the Showgrounds, a bee came and landed on my hand, a little further a long a red admiral butterfly came fluttering up and landed on my breast- breathe....reassurance- it'll all be ok.
The next morning when I could hear the sound of water rushing through the pipes like crazy and Rob was still asleep, I walked around the house in the early morning mist in my dressing gown- once again feeling agitated and anxious (what next!) when I looked up the path and here coming towards me was the most beautiful little hedgehog- all will be well. Breathe.

 As is the way when you develop a relationship with healing plants- just the right thing presented itself to us to help heal the knee. A post by a friend prompted me to research the Cotton Rose bush that is growing down the back of the garden. A glorious thing- its also known as Hibiscus Mutabilis as the flowers come out white then fade to pink and the following day they finish their life in a deep shade of rose.

 This is the first year that our Cotton Rose has flowered properly. It'll be finished as soon as we have the first frost. I read that the flowers most especially can be crushed and used as a poultice to help reduce inflammation due to injury. Perfect! Breathe.

 We both felt ourselves settling in to trust, breathing more fully, as these beautiful flowers began to work their magic.

I crushed up one flower at a time to make a poultice each day.

 Until we found that it was no longer required.

 Lots of rest was also helpful.

 Beauty...deepens the breath too and is everywhere we look.

 Cats know just how to collapse in to deep peaceful relaxation when they feel safe.

One morning I was watching a video from the wonderful healer Prune Harris and she was demonstrating an exercise that connects the lungs and the immune system. I taught it to Rob and so we practised it that evening in Lucy. He got it perfectly. Breathe- deeply. Rest.  

You can learn it here too, if you like.

And so we naturally return to  "Acknowledging the good that we already have in our lives as this is the foundation for all abundance". Slightly paraphrased from Eckhart Toile.

 And soon enough we have been able to ride our bikes and walk again together and visit our beloved places and trees. For it is amongst these friends- "The Lungs of the Earth" that we find we can draw breath most deeply.

 And know that we are safe in their care and strong arms.

It's fascinating to me that we call the in breath inspiration- to inhale, to in-spire.
Trees absorb carbon dioxide, humans exhale it, trees breath out oxygen- the very substance we need for the breath of life-in. Isn't that amazing!
I have also been thinking about this global state of emergency caused by a particular virus & it's mutations, that is effecting and limiting the breath of the entire world; simultaneously. This impact is brought about obviously physiologically, but also psychologically. The virus infects/invades the cells and inhibits the natural function of the body, the emotions of fear, panic and anxiety and so forth, evoked either by presence or imagined threat of the virus- in us, have precisely the same impact. All of it alters our ability to breathe- in, oxygen. Life.

The dictionary states that breath is:

~ The air inhaled and exhaled in respiration.

~ Respiration, especially as necessary to life.

~ Life, vitality.

~ The ability to breathe easily and normally. She stopped to regain her breath.

~ Time to breathe; pause or respite. Give him a little breather.

 And isn't that just the simple reality of things- we each must attend to our own respiration. Our life breath is our own and cannot be shared. Our inhalation forms our inspiration- out of which comes our unique creative gifts- our offerings to the world. When we are not able to breathe freely we seldom flourish.

The dictionary also offers this definition of the word inspire:

To fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.

I love that we are so wonderfully and marvellously made, but it's funny how we really have so little knowledge about all the complexities of our human functionality. I'm a pretty simple living woman, I've come to realise- while others pursue knowledge, information and what they believe to be truth with great gusto, I am happy pottering a long in life with my own personal interface; yet ironically, I ask a thousand questions a day and I have a huge passion for learning- real stuff- things that are either wondrous, or that provide answers or assistance for everyday living. That's why I love nature so much. The plants and trees never put you crook and are always too happy to see me and offer their support and assistance.

In the lovely Steiner/Waldolf model of the 12 senses that I mentioned in my last post I have discovered that there is no Sense of Breath- I guess, because breath is life itself, but there most certainly is The Sense of Smell. Fairy Dust Teachings suggests: " It is through the sense of smell that we gather massages about the environment with every breath we take by the automatic function of smell that detects dangers, food, and other people. Think about common phrases we use like "I smell" trouble in the air". "Did you get wind of that?", "She is a breath of fresh air", "It's stink that she can't have the day off"....Our sense of smell plays a powerful role in the way we recognise each other, are attracted to mates, recall memories and even warnings about the environment around us".

I realise now that I have always had particularly acute senses and it is through my sense of smell most of all that I navigated my early years of life. The comforting smell of my Teddy was my anchor in those first 7 years of my life. The scent of winter sweet, blossom flowers, daphne, feijoas, passionfruit etc were all indelibly embedded in my olfactory memory bank from very wee. It was the smell of the house at Sunray Avenue (Rob's childhood home) that I will never, ever forget- the rank, mouldy, musty odour of contained mildew & dirt pervades every inch of that dwelling. It always made me feel very ill and sometimes gave me nightmares. Half the house has no concrete foundation so the stench of stale dirt has permeated everything in those 50 years of it's standing. Interestingly- in truth, I was never welcome, nor safe in that house. What we can smell we can make a choice about- mostly. "Ooh that bread's gone mouldy" causes us to throw the offending food in to the compost. Stinky feet, bad breath- we'll keep our distance. And of course, there are all the glorious smells that enrich our life daily: the comforting smell of dinner cooking, for instance, allows us to relax, feel safe and perhaps edify our much needed sense of belonging- even if just to our own lives.

But, it's that which we cannot detect, yet we breath in, that can really cause a problem: the pollen grains I see all over my car just now, but are invisible to me as I inhale them, or the cold, 'flu, covid19 virus that gets right up your nose without giving the slightest hint of it's presence. Even more disturbing is the energetic, covert toxin that arrives by stealth and causes chaos without the slightest permission- only the symptoms give it's presence away. In every instance it's the breath that let's us know what's going on in the beginning.

When it comes to these invisible invaders, we find that we are not in control of the situation, but what we can do is to gather around ourselves allies that will help to strengthen us and equip us to manage an uncalled for encounter with that which seeks to aggravate or destroy. And again I return to my simple ways and knowledge. It's tragic that in our modern age so many of us have lost generational knowledge of almost all good living practises. This has been brought home so powerfully as we've all had to be so forcibly re-educated to the basic practise of washing our hands to stop the spread of disease- any disease. But we've also forgotten about fresh air, sunshine, gardening, growing food, gathering herbs for nourishment and healing and how to prepare and cook food from real and actual ingredients. Learning and practising folk medicine and growing our own food or foraging for it and knowing local food producers well is the most fundamentally empowering thing we can learn to do for ourselves. Every part of this process is entirely in our control. We get a choice. We get to build our own immune response system in to health, or we can choose to tear it down and pretend that someone else was in charge. What I love so dearly is that these skills will travel with me through the rest of my life and they help me to breathe, to inspire, to create, to live my best life and they give me the very best shot at loving myself and others well. The other toxic stuff- I'll go on fighting for our freedom no matter what it takes.

Abundantly Clear

I didn't plan to be away a long time, 

it's just that abundance (and Watties) got in the way.

It's quite strange really that abundance should take up so much room & demand so much time & attention & really very peculiar indeed, that the factory that resides over our back wall, should deal with abundance too; a lot of plain, way-too-much-of-everything sort of abundance! 

Way too much corn, way too many tomatoes, beetroot, beans & steam peeler machines and way, way too much noise!

In the midst of all this excess I have been growing & learning. I find Susun Weed's teaching to be invaluable...she has taught me ever so much about herbs & living real & wisely.

Last week she wrote about abundance just here.

I know these things to be true:

"Abundance is free.

Abundance is a gift.

Abundance is open and flowing.

Abundance can appear unexpectedly.

Feed abundance and it will multiply.

Abundance is demanding.

Abundance is wild.

Abundance is hard work.

Abundance is a gift."

I am not very thrilled to find our lives over-powered by an errant & mechanically bullying factory I, can tell you. To be awash with the old familiar nervous tension & stress is incredibly uncomfortable & echoes back to the years where I was lost in family dissonance & unable to escape or make it stop. 

However, through these months we have become resolutely determined to remain here on our own land, "our own bit of earth" & not be forced out. Since I am a problem-solver not a complainer I have been speaking up for myself, communicating the issues (the many, many issues of new, repetitive, wildly irritating, drive-you-crazy noises). Funny thing is that on "their" side of the wall they barely ever hear a thing, well certainly not to recognise them as a problem. Sound is weird like that. It bounces around & plays tricks on you. 

I get very cross & cranky when it comes & robs us of sleep!

The feelings of powerlessness are very uncomfortable.

We have now armed ourselves with a clever app that Rob put on our phones so that we can record decibel levels to help us keep perspective & we've also researched the local resource management guidelines that the factory is supposed to be operating within.

We've lived here for 27 years & it's never been like this before; until these last couple of years. 

So...I have been using The Emotion Code (you can down load it for free here) a very useful technique that a friend passed on to me last August. Any one can learn it. Dr Bradley Nelson teaches that the traumatic events of life can create trapped emotions that get stuck in our subconscious & go on to cause all manner of emotional, physical or spiritual issues in our lives.

 I have found this to be entirely true. 

It is possible to systematically release these trapped emotions & the patterns of response to life that we have been holding in our bodies, often for years & years. 

So...I have used this experience to take notice of the trapped emotions (& inherited trapped emotions...so many of those!)) that have needed to be identified & released for so long, especially the ones that have been brought up by my factory interactions & overwhelm. Because of my legacy it is a long & tiresome journey but it has given me hope that one day I will be truly free.

Free to be fully me & I know that I have cleared a mountain of "stuff" already. 

I have to add that I have also learnt to listen to my body; listen well & with compassion. This practise is now second nature to me but I realise that to most people this is a strange & uncomfortable concept. 

We are so human & very complex beings so it shouldn't really surprise us that our emotions, re-actions & physical symptoms of discomfort & dis-ease actually seek our attention. The choice we must make is: will we listen? Will we love ourselves enough to enter the conversation that needs to take place? Frequently, when we ignore the chatter, the pain & the bruising & the niggles & we hope like mad that it will all just go away as we grind on through, our "selves" don't take kindly to being ignored, & often have no other choice than to find new & clever ways to get our attention until we are forced to hear. 

In between the times of industrial trauma & healing work I have been fully occupied with the abundance of the seasons of summer & harvest...produce & seeds & making the most of the long days & the sunshine. Abundance takes an immense amount of attention & care-taking  & sometimes, is just plain exhausting. I am learning to collect a little less & to prepare just what I need at any one time. I am giving away more at every opportunity & that has been so much fun & very freeing.
We cannot gather it all in just for ourselves, abundance is meant to be shared.
A sharp eye is the quickest way to open the door to abundance...
have you ever met Malva before?

She's ever so much more than a weed. Her name is Malva Neglecta & she belongs to the mallow family. Now that you know that, I bet you'll see her everywhere you go.

There's a wonderful lady Julia who lives in Tauranga she has written a very informative article here about mallows.

We found all this Malva & some dandelions on a vacant section while out walking a week or two ago. I ate the Malva for my dinner (really delicious used just as you would spinach) & popped the dandelion flowers in to some organic apple cider vinegar to make a herbal digestive tonic.
Ok, so you're not too keen on me sharing my Malva with you. I'm sure we can find something else that might have a little more culinary appeal. Perhaps I could tempt you with a hollyhock flower or two, a tropical hibiscus or a Rose of Sharon? All of them "family", edible & beautiful. I have had never seen a Rose of Sharon (Hibiscus Mutabilis, Cotton Rose or Confederate Rose) before until a month ago, when I stumbled on a photo on the internet. So enamoured by Sharon's beauty was I, that I sent to the USA for some seeds. Then last week, while we were on our little road trip in the Bay of Plenty, coming in to the little town of Opotiki I yelled STOP!! & kind man he is, Rob screeched to a halt & backed up for me so I could meet Sharon in "person". I found another two bushes in Whakatane & asked for some cuttings at one house. Golly, I do so hope that they grow.
I think this particular bush must be quite old.

The flowers emerge pure white, slowly turn a pretty pink & then fade out becoming rose pink as they finish, hence the Mutabilis bit after Hibiscus.

Bambi loves Malva though, he told me on the way home from Coco & Co.

 He was made in Poppa's Shed.

I think he's lovely but he does so often give me a fright as I walk past heading down the garden path. I keep waiting for him to hop up & follow me.

Lucy had a steady stream of nice visitors through the summer months. The pink windflowers stretching out their hands to greet them as they arrived.

We began a visitors book at last...

A little girl called Willow came for afternoon tea with her mum on Good Friday. They had just finished reading The Secret Garden.

So I left Willow some seeds & bulbs out for her to take home & plant in her own "bit of earth".
I showed her how to find the seeds in the centre of the cornflower heads. They are quite a business to prise out with your finger nails.

Fiddly, but worth it. This particular bush flowered for four or five months this season.

We collected Neptune's Necklace seaweed at Waipatiki Beach through the summer & I pickled some using Alison Holst's bread & butter pickle recipe. The end result was just delicious & a great way to enjoy a free & highly nourishing resource. 

An abundance of red peppers went in to this yummy frittata, a useful meal for a grand beach picnic.

I also learnt that a particular lichen that grows in the Bush, called Usnea can be made in to a tincture that is a powerful medicine that helps to fight infection. I then discovered that this same Usnea is growing right outside the back door on our Melia tree.

The Maori call it Angi Angi, also known as Old Man's Beard. You know you have the right lichen when you can see the white cord running through the centre. The tincture itself turns deep orange. Now almost ready to bottle up, label & have on hand for the winter.

Clyde's (Farmer's Market) magnificent radicchio are just perfect for autumn salads with their crisp texture, glorious colours & that little bit of bitterness that supports the liver in this season.

We were amazed, while out walking, to find wild mushrooms on peoples lawns & even in the middle of Cornwall Park a week or two ago.

Yet more free abundance.

I have loved growing peans on the washing line. I’m leaving the last of them to set seed now. They are not really a cross of peas & beans, just a bean that fancy’s itself to be a pea when it matures a little.

Coco & Co is a vibrant little craft shop in town. The creations are very well made & very clever. I also found this colourful summer dress in the window recently, crafted by Susan at Fresh Vintage.

My favourite, most vibrant flower of all, came to stay with us in early April. My dear & treasured friend Gina came to visit us on her way back up north. What an absolute delight to spend time together. Gina was the friend who I'd never actually met in person but who remarkably (through this blog) recognised me in an Op shop in Palmerston North last year.

A friendship characterised by abundance, depth, sparkle & authenticity.
Precious.
Thank you to all of you who stop by to read my ramblings & thoughts & to those of you who have made contact in the last few months, either in person or via messages. I am very humbled that some of what I have shared has touched you & that many of you have shared your hearts with me, that takes courage & I honour you & wish you all well in your journey of healing, growing & flourishing.
Abundantly yours,
Catherine x0x