I Can Sing A Rainbow...Too.

I should know by now that stories can only be told when they're ready...

otherwise they turn out all wrong.

But it's time now, to go on with the tale...

~Kelly Rae Roberts~

I have my special hat on today my:

 "Explorer of Truth & Beauty" hat.

Just as I was exploring the world of our Special Senses & how they are so remarkable,

such things as: the touch of butterfly feet on fingertips,

& the lick of a soft & friendly dog,

the arresting sight of verdant colour on the hills over "there",

the amusement of watching the silly antics of Whistle...our other borrowed cat who crosses the road to find us every day & play in our garden,

standing in awe at the feet of this ensemble down at Aunty's Garden & thinking "how very clever", how very clever indeed!

& the taste of passionfruit, a flavour like no other...& how they come in the most amazing packages; that wrinkle!

Discovering & picking a tiny wee sweetheart rose & then noticing the little angel wings & the fine hairs on the petals,

finger-staining elderberries made of magic,

inhaling the scent of exquisitely white naked ladies, gifted by a true friend.

Marveling at the miracle of a thousand hollyhock seeds...
how do they know to grow in to another hollyhock just the same?

Dappled light on a perfect, pastel, vintage blanket find...

colours that activate passion & make me want to make Mexican food or eat juicy mangos
...juice dripping,

Yes, there's a "Little Chaos" that comes with these Special Precious Senses.

& comfort to be able to go to Lucy when life gets hard.

When a son (dear to your heart) returns home, a little broken, depressed, stressed, unable to sleep & function & not wanting this life, it's hard.

 All my work to calm my own heart & world, & foster thrival for myself; overturned, wrenched. 

Lurch, back into: hyper-vigilance, overwhelm & sadness & re-living the struggles we've had as a family...just to do life, at all.

Day to day....that's all you can do.

I've learnt more this time through, about depression & suicide & what drives us to these places.

I've learnt that it's a lot more universal than I realised...the symptoms & the struggle of it all.

Damage...that's what happened.

Systemic, acidic harm that sprang from being un-nurtured by a narcissist. 

Confidence dissolved. All colours turn grey; life-lacking, depleted. Seeds of fear & self-disgust scattered carelessly, deliberately through the whole garden. 

Learning the world is a cold & hostile place where we do not deserve to find love or connection.

It's all a lie, of course...but it stains; deep.

The contamination cannot be soaked out, washed away...it seeps through the family soil & poisons the generations. The clean-up process is complex; hard, gritty.

Over this past month there have been so many nights...our minds in turmoil, bodies on fire, hormones cascading in to panic. Can't go to sleep; on guard. Can't wake up; what for?

Food...ooh no. Which one of us, all of us? Worry...is he ok; where is he it's 1.00am?

The patterns activated decades ago by another, should-have-been care-giver, not taker.

Through the years...dossiers assembled, boxes full: 

"All I have & hold against you" failed daughter, disgust, worthless.

 Only the narcissist is allowed emotions...just calm down Catherine!!" 

There is no discussion, explanation. No, not one single time. 

No reconciliation, let's put things right.

Never "I love you" or "you matter."

Decades go by just the same.
Five decades: long enough to make a different choice!!

Confidence fades with the colours of life, light goes out; drowning.

Where are the healers, the validators? Nowhere to be found.

The pollution fills up the sea, sight of land fades, can't breath.

Then, one day....I found a pretty hat. 

Seeker, author, explorer of beauty & truth it said.

I am.

I am a good daughter, a wonderful wife, a fine mother & a nice friend.

I don't deserve to be punished, not now, not ever.

Close the doors. It's over, even though the voices can still be heard. They never cease.

Nightmares still come, my body (the densest part of the soul) still speaks & aches & inflames.

Thank you for your messages...I am listening. A lifetime of stored emotions not allowed air.

Released, slowly, safely...recieved with compassion & kindness;

we also offer our son. Our brave, beautiful son.

Tender, strong, teaching himself Chinese. Hearing truth, telling his story; safe-supported, brave.

Working again, long hours but determined; eating again.

Little moments of humour & joy bubbling to our surface.

Soft cat fur, Mah Jong (found at the market), nice friends...two young men gabble together like girls! 

We breath deeper, visit the ocean.

Grateful for each other.

We know one another & ourselves a little better.
Trust grows & with it fresh hope.
Thank God for those who shine a light:

Kelly Rae Roberts: Be Brave Manifesto

And those with compassion-bearing, tender hearts; scattering kindness, sharing beauty & truth.
We can learn to sing a rainbow too...

I'm glad of my Special Senses. They are precious to me. A glorious gift.
They teach me that the world is a place to marvel.
Invite me in to life.

Exploring Joy

Hello there!

I was wondering if you would like to tell me about what joy means to you?
I've done a bit of exploring and pondering myself over the last week or two and I have come to the conclusion that joy is really rather elusive. I have to say, I really do, that lots of descriptions & explanations are just plain odd and rather intangible.
But, I get the feeling that joy should be something wonderful, an energy, an emotion that draws us in with warm welcoming, open arms...

and says to our hearts "What a pure, simple delight it is to be alive".

  I find happiness to be a gentle friend..

and peace, a kind of restful feeling,

but joy..it sparkles and sings.

I think that joy maybe a soul-mate to wonder.

Nina and I decided that these pohutukawa "needles" may, in fact be, fairy matches.
What do you think?

I don't have much call for the complex & the grand, these days...

stress & struggle don't really serve any of us well.

Pretty & whimsical bring me a soul-nourishing happiness,

and my garden flowers, both pleasure

 & joy..

This Waterfall begonia revels in sunlight.

Joy can sometimes arrive by surprise.
Like on Christmas morning when I was startled to realise that there was a park bench sitting in my garden! Dear man had re-made it's seat (to fit the salvaged ends) & carefully hidden the bits from me as he went along..quite a feat!

To me a garden is a miracle of creation,

holding within it's fertile, loamy womb a self-perpetuating and everlasting gift of a myriad miracles; some evident to the open eye, some disguised in obscurity;

all enfolded in the gifts that are called seasons...

The colours, shapes, textures

and sheer abundance astonish me.

Our summer is now full-blown, with roasting hot days & just-a-sheet-covering, very warm nights.

So a few days ago, knowing Rob would be melting at work, I gathered some picnic things together

& a picnic tea

& off we went to the river, as soon as he got home.

Our favourite spot at Sacred Hill...

 So cool & tranquil & green.

Dear, sweet katie daisy.

I don't think that joy is found so much in the rushing, the busy whirl of a stress-filled life. 

But sometimes, it does pop in with happy serendipity, like the three delightful Lower Hutt visitors, that came back to find plums at the gate & ended up sampling elderberry tonic & kombucha, just half an hour ago. What a lovely joyful encounter!

So please do tell me more about joy, dear friends.

Thank you for your lovely visit.

Much love Catherine x0x0x

Coming Up Roses

 Isn't it funny how one little thing,
can so often lead to another..
in life?
A few weeks ago, I had enquiry on one of my Cath Kidston wallpaper auctions on Trade Me..."That's it!! That's what I'm after said the enquiree..I've seen it in the Six Sisters Cafe on The Marine Parade in Napier & I'd love 4 rolls to do a feature wall. Where did you get it from?" Well I could only send her in the right direction on that one: to the UK, but meantime, I was able to seek out the cafe with Cath Kidston wallpaper, that she mentioned.

Six Sisters Coffee House.

 Why Six Sisters you may ask? (I did). Apparently a certain Dutch Port Master arrived to live in Napier in the late 1800's & with him came six sisters, his daughters. In time, he gave them each a house of their own. Six identical houses all in a row!

An interesting combination of sweet, 

 funky & contemporary. The Cath Kidston Antique Rose paper is on one wall down the other end.
Tili jars on the mantelpiece you'll notice Julie.

Quirky.

Really great coffee.

 Nice customers too.

 Some of whom, have upsticks & come to live in our garden.

 Well just for a while.

 We've been making plenty of summer salads. These "Indigo Rose" tomatoes have been fascinating. Apparently the worlds first commercially available tomatoes containing high levels of anthocyanin..which just means that they are really good for you.

 There's been so much going on for us through January. I am starting to figure that a little pruning seems to have been required in order to stimulate the blooming process. But one things for sure, being pruned is not comfy. There are those changes in life that make things interesting & keep you growing & then there are others, that just seem to chop off your bits & pulverise you.
The challenges have been thoroughly destabilizing & overwhelming, yet I am encouraged to find that my intuition is a real ally & highly functional. I was so pleased that we decided one night to keep the bones from chicken (even though it's summer) & make a large pot of chicken broth.

  I don't think that Rob & I ate much else for days & days as we journeyed the hard stuff of upheaval with Rob's work.  Dear boy, even said.."right I want to learn how to make this stuff" and he did.

 When the big (really big) waves come they bring with them new opportunities to see where our wounds are & where we still need to be healed; revise what really matters to us & determine whether we have gathered around us enough tools & skills to work it all through. And then we have a choice...will we really, really be there for each other? YES!
I am working with a lot of fear & anxiety & knowing that it stems from early childhood & on going life long family disruption. I am choosing every day to heal from the traumatic wounds of narcissistic abuse..it's going to be a very long journey, but one I must make. I am so grateful to the "girls" who have been brave enough to leave comments on my page here. I wasn't sure that I should write about it (at all) but now I know that I had to.
In stressy times simple food is important. I have been making these simple fruit sauces a lot lately. This one was made to use up the apricots that were starting to go off. A little honey & a little lemon juice & a zap with the whizz stick & viola apricots redeemed.

 I am intrigued to find that any fruit puree made like this will last for days & days in the fridge. The strawberry one (with a little honey & a drop of rosewater) made a great dipping sauce for rockmelon & Coconut Ice peaches.

 I have been drying some summer herbs to make Julie's wonderful sachets to keep the moths at bay in the linen cupboard. The top leaves are marshmallow..great for adding to bath bags along with oatmeal.

 You can find the recipe just here. I've added these star anise into the mix. Aren't they beautiful things!

We accidentally found a large elder bush hanging over the footpath recently, so we gathered as many ripe elderberries as we could & I found a really nice, simple recipe for an elderberry mother immune elixir just here. 

I added these ground rosehips & some ginger to the tonic mixture.

It's tasting delicious, I must say. I will strain out the berries in a month or so & bottle it up in readiness for any feeling-a-little-under-the-weather days to come.

The other tonic that I would not want to be with out is our funky, kombucha tea.

"Kombucha is an antioxidant rich immune boosting beverage coined the “Immortal Health Elixir”. It's a rich source of antioxidants, B vitamins, glucaric acids and probiotics which aid in digestion, gut health, joint care and detoxification. Like all fermented foods, it is extraordinarily rich in enzymes and beneficial bacteria and therefore a dream come true for your gastrointestinal function. It re-establishes the natural ecology of the intestinal flora, which in turn boosts immunity and allows the body to absorb nutrients and eliminate waste with ease."

You can read more (& how to make it) here at Petite Kitchen

If you live in New Zealand & you'd fancy having your own "scoby" I'd be very happy to post you one..just let me know.

 I'm really enjoying this pink hebe just now. It's great for picking too.

 Wednesday was a birthday day..don't know about that goose on the left but isn't Sarah just the sweetest girl. Not fair to catch them out first thing in the morning eh.

 Rob & I spent a little time in Napier, walking near the beach & heading back to Six Sisters for a coffee.

This month is the month of love...now that sounds like a great idea.

And a really good focus, don't you agree?!

Have a gentle week dear friends.

Thanks so much for your visit.

♥♥♥♥♥