Wednesday, 4 March 2015

I Can Sing A Rainbow...Too.

I should know by now that stories can only be told when they're ready...
otherwise they turn out all wrong.
But it's time now, to go on with the tale...
~Kelly Rae Roberts~
I have my special hat on today my:
 "Explorer of Truth & Beauty" hat.
Just as I was exploring the world of our Special Senses & how they are so remarkable,
such things as: the touch of butterfly feet on fingertips,
& the lick of a soft & friendly dog,
the arresting sight of verdant colour on the hills over "there",
the amusement of watching the silly antics of Whistle...our other borrowed cat who crosses the road to find us every day & play in our garden,
standing in awe at the feet of this ensemble down at Aunty's Garden & thinking "how very clever", how very clever indeed!
& the taste of passionfruit, a flavour like no other...& how they come in the most amazing packages; that wrinkle!
Discovering & picking a tiny wee sweetheart rose & then noticing the little angel wings & the fine hairs on the petals,
finger-staining elderberries made of magic,
inhaling the scent of exquisitely white naked ladies, gifted by a true friend.
Marveling at the miracle of a thousand hollyhock seeds...
how do they know to grow in to another hollyhock just the same?
Dappled light on a perfect, pastel, vintage blanket find...
colours that activate passion & make me want to make Mexican food or eat juicy mangos
...juice dripping,
Yes, there's a "Little Chaos" that comes with these Special Precious Senses.
& comfort to be able to go to Lucy when life gets hard.
When a son (dear to your heart) returns home, a little broken, depressed, stressed, unable to sleep & function & not wanting this life, it's hard.
 All my work to calm my own heart & world, & foster thrival for myself; overturned, wrenched. 
Lurch, back into: hyper-vigilance, overwhelm & sadness & re-living the struggles we've had as a family...just to do life, at all.
Day to day....that's all you can do.
I've learnt more this time through, about depression & suicide & what drives us to these places.
I've learnt that it's a lot more universal than I realised...the symptoms & the struggle of it all.
Damage...that's what happened.
Systemic, acidic harm that sprang from being un-nurtured by a narcissist. 
Confidence dissolved. All colours turn grey; life-lacking, depleted. Seeds of fear & self-disgust scattered carelessly, deliberately through the whole garden. 
Learning the world is a cold & hostile place where we do not deserve to find love or connection.
It's all a lie, of course...but it stains; deep.
The contamination cannot be soaked out, washed away...it seeps through the family soil & poisons the generations. The clean-up process is complex; hard, gritty.
Over this past month there have been so many nights...our minds in turmoil, bodies on fire, hormones cascading in to panic. Can't go to sleep; on guard. Can't wake up; what for?
Food...ooh no. Which one of us, all of us? Worry...is he ok; where is he it's 1.00am?
The patterns activated decades ago by another, should-have-been care-giver, not taker.
Through the years...dossiers assembled, boxes full: 
"All I have & hold against you" failed daughter, disgust, worthless.
 Only the narcissist is allowed emotions...just calm down Catherine!!" 
There is no discussion, explanation. No, not one single time. 
No reconciliation, let's put things right.
Never "I love you" or "you matter."
Decades go by just the same.
Five decades: long enough to make a different choice!!
Confidence fades with the colours of life, light goes out; drowning.
Where are the healers, the validators? Nowhere to be found.
The pollution fills up the sea, sight of land fades, can't breath.
Then, one day....I found a pretty hat. 
Seeker, author, explorer of beauty & truth it said.
I am.
I am a good daughter, a wonderful wife, a fine mother & a nice friend.
I don't deserve to be punished, not now, not ever.
Close the doors. It's over, even though the voices can still be heard. They never cease.
Nightmares still come, my body (the densest part of the soul) still speaks & aches & inflames.
Thank you for your messages...I am listening. A lifetime of stored emotions not allowed air.
Released, slowly, safely...recieved with compassion & kindness;
we also offer our son. Our brave, beautiful son.
Tender, strong, teaching himself Chinese. Hearing truth, telling his story; safe-supported, brave.
Working again, long hours but determined; eating again.
Little moments of humour & joy bubbling to our surface.
Soft cat fur, Mah Jong (found at the market), nice friends...two young men gabble together like girls! 
We breath deeper, visit the ocean.
Grateful for each other.
We know one another & ourselves a little better.
Trust grows & with it fresh hope.
Thank God for those who shine a light:
And those with compassion-bearing, tender hearts; scattering kindness, sharing beauty & truth.
We can learn to sing a rainbow too...

I'm glad of my Special Senses. They are precious to me. A glorious gift.
They teach me that the world is a place to marvel.
Invite me in to life.

6 comments:

  1. Hello sweet GK! Oh, that movie looks SO great! I can't wait to see it! So beautiful!
    I've been reading Jane Austen and I like the "outside" parts the best.
    Bless you, good girl.
    Prayers for your dear son. Comfort and peace.

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    1. Comfort & peace are lovely prayers. Thank you dear Pom Pom x0x0x

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  2. We live in a broken world filled with broken people - all of us broken.......such pain, I so understand...but I also believe in hope....the hope that comes through Christ, the hope that we see when we touch, smell, feel, hear...experience the beauty of creation - the beauty that you are so gifted in sharing with us! Praying god's beauty helps sooth & heal both you & your family. I feel so honored to have known you through your blog & knowing the pain you've experienced & seeing that you're still able to see & experience the beauty & love that is around you & in you - what an inspiration & comfort your are!

    If you haven't seen it yet, I want you to know that your bad memories are redeemed through the hope you share here, the encouragement you give to so many people through your life. You are truly a beautiful lady! When the painful memories are overwhelming I pray that they are drowned out by the love & beauty went your way from so many but most importantly from the God who loves you too.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the gift of your encouragement Jenny. I am so grateful!! x0x0x

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  3. Hello Catherine, so very sorry to read of your much loved sons struggle with his depression again & can imagine what a worrying time for you all. Hope you all find your way through & out the other side. Your photos are beautiful, I love the way you have captured the delicate hairs on that tiny rose. I love Whistle looking in your garden - Blackie stands like that but I have not yet managed to capture it on camera - they amuse me & remind me of little meercats when they do that. I used to love to sing that song "Sing a Rainbow" when I was young. x0x0 (p.s beautiful pastel coloured blanket there too)

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  4. I shall have to come back and click on all the links in your post as there is much I have not read yet. I am so sorry you and your son are going through such struggles, your post is so positive and your light shines. I know myself how harmful our childhood experiences can be and how they shape our lives, but we ourselves grow and are who we are because of these things. Blessings. Betty

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So lovely of you to leave a comment. Thank you!! ♥

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